Choosing Sobriety

By Heather Katlun

Things in life did not start well. To give you insight into my life. I grew up with a single mother, divorced out of a toxic abusive marriage. This is to a drug addicted to alcoholic husband.

I had quite a lot of traumatic impacts on me as a child and as a young adult. From drug addict toxic relationships to not having stable housing and being human trafficked at 19, I felt better high on most any illegal substances. Being able to escape those traumatic points and emotions by getting on a different mental and physical level was comfortable for me.

I refused to be a burden and mouche to the people around me. I quickly turned to escorting and prostitution to pay for my own way in life. It is its own toxic cycle. Feelings of morally degrading myself were erased but the money, power, and drugs. It gave me a real sense of power, something I had never had as a child. To know that I could utilize my sexuality to gain anything I desired. From any man or woman. To say a few candid sexual things would be puddy in my hands for a brief time

I lost all conscience thought to the right or wrong of the acts that I was doing to or with a person. Even called it "stealing a soul" if I was able to get my john's addicted to drugs. It helped my greed to gain money for drugs or temporary possessions. I never thought I was destroying a life, tearing apart families, and bankrupting accounts. The fleeting feelings of elated happiness, excitement, love, passion, safety, and stability. It came and went faster than the clouds of smoke being exhaled from my lungs.

The power it gave me a sense of false security in myself. I gained confidence within myself that I had never known as a child or preteen. Always that ackward kid in school that others picked on due to poverty. To much a tomboy to ever be looked at by boys. Always talked about by the girls in school because I never did my hair or makeup. By the secondhand clothes, my siblings and I wore. Living life as a drug addicted prostitute. Everyone wanted to be close to me. I could dress however I wanted, act as anyone I could make up, do whatever do whatever I wanted. If I had money and drugs, no one would turn me away. They would put up with my weirdness and even rudeness because they always wanted one of 3 things I always had. Money, drugs, and a dream. It gave those people around me their own escape. Absence from their own fucked up lives. That kind of control was so empowering. The reality was that if I ran out of money or drugs. I had to contact a john or find another way to make/milk money. Thus, the cycle was always repeated.

Speaking of things only being temporary in this lifestyle. Never having a stable place to stay, I floated over 3 states always running from my own life's traumatic emotions. Getting arrested over 200 plus times between those 3 states. Serving 2 prison sentences in North Carolina and 2 here in Michigan, 4 in total. I was released gram Goshen, IN county jail, April 12th, 2020. Put back on probation out of Van Buren County, Ml. It did not take me long to relapse and overdose. Choosing to continue doing drugs, I ran back to Kalamazoo and got back into escorting, briefly. As it was the only way for me to pay for my lifestyle on the run. I was tired of manipulating others with physical pleasure or mental daydreams. I embarked on a journey of autopilot, living day today, irritated with how my life became.

Reflecting on my life's journey. Going through the same routine moment after moment. Wondering why I keep continuing this messed up cycle. Wanting to settle down with one man and build a life. It is something safe, secure, and complete. While most johns are in the game of needing a dream fed to them. Most do not realize how easy it can be to get caught up in those false promised dreams of love, home, and stability myself. Add lack of sleep and drugged delusions of a fairytale ending. When the reality is that as much as any woman with these same life experiences wants a way out of that toxic life. She must desire something more substantial than the constant escape from herself.

I had been tossing around settling down for a few years yet could not do it. Could not make that actual leap into the unfamiliar. Could not think that someone would be with a woman who had used her body in so many disrespectful ways. I would have to stop making money with my body and find a different street hustle. Keeping an open line with my higher power, I asked him to bring someone into my life that I can leave this life for. My want and need to keep the constant high and power to leave me. Make it easy and clear, so I do not fuck it up before it even starts. That that man will be tolerant and patient, he will be kind and genuine, sweet and show me how to love again. Most of all be patient and tolerant of my brokenness. To not give up on me when I do give up on myself. I believed in my heart that I would meet this guy yet kept living.

I met that very man about 2 months later. When I was introduced to him, a voice in my head said, "mine all mine". While it was slower than anticipated, we started a relationship that has had its difficulties. We both in our addictions and unhealthy habits had our fair share of flaws and toxic imperfections. But keeping it at its most basic point, we were head over heels with one another and almost inseparable. Then we could get into some very not so pretty arguments, mostly over my actions. Usually, my not being able to let go of those old adulterous money getting ways. Still in the grasps of our addictions and both having the want, need and desires to be together. Yet not even knowing how to change completely from old habits. We maintained a love and communication that was enough to keep our highs high and our lows tolerable because we loved each other hard enough to work through the bad that I continually brought upon our foundation. We were together 2 1/2 years.

We had a disagreement and split ways to process the argument. He not wanting to be around me, went to the other side of town. I am giving him his personal space, where I was partying. After getting all our things moved from the last place, we lived in the current safe house I was crashing. I thought I would attempt to find him and ended up sitting in the stairwell of a familiar hotel. The whole time this was going on, we were still arguing. I ended up getting robbed of all our possessions and thrown out of the safe house I had been staying in. I then started to plead with him to just let me come to where he was, while still accusing him of adulterous acts. Found a john that partied and gave me money and drugs for my company.

It was a dreadful 2 days of my floating around various places and arguing over the phone with my man. When I started to shoot up the drugs that I had acquired. Which is never a good outcome and makes me even more crazy, irrational, and delusional. Refusing to just stop using it and give up the toxic lifestyle I had found so much comfort in. And keeping in the back of my mind that I had been on the run from my legal issues the entire time we had been in this relationship. Knowing that from a lawful standpoint, due to COVID the county jails had not been arresting people for those 2 1/2 years, was the reason for my temporary freedoms. I was starting to spin out of control, which is dangerous to anyone around. I lost all cautious care and ended up being careless enough to fall asleep on a random person's back porch. Being woken up by the police, asking my name. I knew that my time was up and knew in that moment nothing else mattered in my life. It did not matter I was a homeless drug addict that was arguing with her boyfriend. I was finally going to jail for my past crimes and the crazy reality of it was that I was relieved.

See people in normal society do not comprehend why it is easy for some people to just keep going back to jail. Most people like me think of it as a vacation from our reality and current situations. Yes, it is totally a depressing inconvenience but a way for an individual to get mental clarity and sober up, try to change. I really had something I had never had before in life. That was a man that wanted better for me and our lives, that loved me with everything in him, and supported me to his fullest capabilities emotionally/financially. My higher power gave me something that I had not known I had needed. Someone that would not give up on me when everyone else had time after time I had been locked up. He was not going to give up on us. So that gave me a new type of strength and determination.

His love helped me see that every traumatic thing, recovery, and relapses were all experiences for me to use that knowledge for the change we would both long for in our lives. I knew that I would do the rest of my violation time in Michigan Department of Corrections. Why not make this my actual time to grow into the woman I was meant to be and have that happily ever after I had always fantasied about in my drugged-out daydreams. I was in love with the most perfectly imperfect man I had prayed for. So, I put all my strength and efforts to implement everything I had learned in my previous incarcerations, tragedies, relapses, and recoveries. I did not get into trouble while away and focused on an actual game plan for my life.

I had a person that was counting on me to help show him the way to get out of that toxic lifestyle. I could not make him get clean and sober. But never doubting his love for me and our relationship. I can show him how to do it for himself. When an addict finds something greater than him/herself to want to do better in life for, it is like adding jet fuel to a bonfire. This gave me the reason I needed to stay clean and sober. I used that jet fuel to drive my focus and determination so that when I was released from prison. I would hit the streets and prove everyone I have ever known wrong. Once an addict, always an addict is not true. I went at things with a focused determination that I had never had in previous recovery times. I got employed, enrolled in college, got into trauma therapy, and had regular meetings with my parole agent. I have blown my own mind on how well I have been accomplishing everything. But the nicest thing about it all, I do not have the desire to use at all. It gives me immense pleasure to know I am an actual role model for the street crowd that I once ran with. I recently got into an apartment and am working on getting a vehicle.

The encouraging, praise, ever ending love, simple things that my man does for me daily is more exciting and empowering than any of the street games I played has ever given me! I am so thankful that he has shown me how to love myself and others. He has been patient, tolerant, kind, and genuinely understanding of the broken woman that I once was. He is my strength and foundation in the sober person I have become today. Crazy that just a simple question to your higher power when it is the right time in your life for the changes that you pray for, happen. I cannot say that it is my daydream or fairytale ending. But having this clear thinking and 20 months (about 1 and a half years) clean time. Does very much feel like the happy ending I had always hoped for. It is not the end of my story, just the beginning. I know that I have a lot of troubles ahead of myself. With this new founded strength and determination, I have been given from this wonderful man. I can accomplish anything. Now that I have my sure foot in my recovery. I can return that same love, dedication, and devotion that he has given me. I believe that our love will be our strength and we will see us through till the end of our lives. Happy, healthy, and in-love till we are old and grey.